Problem with setting a goal to write every day means I run out of ideas. My life isn’t exciting to write about every day so I crowd sourced some ideas. Today’s came from an awesome Twitter follower who wanted to know “Things that people elsewhere misunderstood about Canada?” I asked her if she had any specific questions and I love her question. So today’s blog post I’m going to try and answer her question (listed below).

I’m by far not the only one to write about this. Or talk about this. In fact one of my fav YouTubers is putting together a Podcast exploring this very topic. They are releasing it next Tuesday so I will link to it when I can.

I live in Waterloo, part of the region of Waterloo in the province of Ontario. I do say sorry and eh a lot, sorry. I also love poutine and maple syrup. Winter sucks!

The question posed by Belinda on Twitter is “How do Canadians draw Canada with all those islands” she was referring to growing up in school. I had to think but I’m almost positive I never had to actually draw Canada. We were always given maps that were printed out. We coloured them and had to identify the province, territories and capitals. Now I kind of want to try to draw that. If you want to see that let me know, I will make a YouTube video with that.

One of the things most joked about when people talk about Canada is how NICE we are how polite we are. I don’t know where this came from but if I had to take a guess and NOT google it I would say we are a nation that welcomes people. We have a history of being open to those in need. I’m sure the reputation is well founded but not entirely true. There are plenty of people who are assholes. I just need to go out in public to prove this.

Some weird random things I can think to mention are:

~ In Ontario where I live our milk comes in bags. Why you ask? Well it’s better for the environment. I like having bagged milk my sister does not.

~ Our $1 and $2 comes as coins. The $1 is known as a Loonie and the $2 is known as a Toonie. We also did away with the penny since it cost more to make than it was worth.

~ Our healthcare isn’t “free”. We do have what is called Universal Healthcare. This means a portion of our taxes goes to supporting healthcare. Having Universal Healthcare is absolutely amazing. When I visit my neurologist, respirologist, or local ER I don’t leave worrying about a bill in the mail. If an ambulance is required it’s about $40. Medication is not covered nor is services such as massage therapy, optometrists, chiropractor and the like. A tweak to this optometrist are covered for kids 16 and under, seniors 65 and older or if you have specific medical conditions. My visits are covered, I go once a year, most go once every two years. Most employers will offer benefits which reduce cost of medications, cover portion of other services. My employer covers $200 every two year for eye glasses and a decent lump sum to divide amongst other services. There are exceptions for seniors over 65 getting government support, they pay between $0.11-$6.11 per prescription in Ontario but pay $100 yearly deductible. Other programs exists to help those in need.

~ In Canada we differentiate between University and College. Mostly you go to collage for more trades or certificate level trainings but not always. It used to be Nursing was offered at colleges that’s still the case but there is more connection with a University for a degree instead of a diploma or certificate. University is for degree programs. We don’t use their term collage for all/any post secondary school education.

~ There is no where in Canada that minimum wage is lower than $11.

I’m a very proud Canadian. There are lots of things to like but I wouldn’t sugar coat the bad. This land was taken from the indigenous population and the treatment of our indigenous lands and people is nothing to celebrate. We have a lot of work to do to make up for that.

If there is something specific about Canada you want to know just leave a comment below. Maybe a part 2 will be required.

An online friend Carly who is a published author and overall amazing human recently reached out to me. She wanted to know my opinion on filters used by various social media platform. I won’t share here what I shared with her but once she published what she is writing I will link it. Whatever she says is going to be what I think, just written 1000 times better.

Her questions did get me thinking about something else that has been becoming more of a trend. Those custom avatars. A lot of my FB friends have been posting them. I’ve enjoyed seeing them. However I do kind of feel left out. I can’t get one to look like me. Because as with anything to do with these, they are not friendly to those with differences.

Yes, I know these things might be trivial for you. Not a big deal, not worth my time. I’m not overreacting or being childish. With how fast technology is developing I don’t think it’s unreasonable to think that in 2020 I wouldn’t still fell like I’m in school being shunned.

When technology doesn’t include everyone it’s failing. Those with disabilities are always the last thought, an afterthought or at worse not given any thought. That’s how I feel when I see my friends posting their cute avatars that they’ve created. They are sharing them and using them in every day interactions. I’m just as always on the outside looking in.

Please don’t take this to mean I don’t think people shouldn’t use them. Have fun. Share them, I love seeing how cute you would be in a cartoon. I don’t need or want anyone’s pity. I just for once want companies to provide a more inclusive experience.

It’s the same when I try to use the Animojis or Memojis through Apple. It can’t really track my face and the end result does nothing for my self esteem.

As soon as Apple announced that these would be a feature I instantly knew they would be useless to me. There isn’t a way to get them to work I’m a way that makes me smile. Again it’s a random silly little thing and yet it angers me. Makes me sad and is something I’ve thought about going to the Apple store to actually complain about. But my better sense comes along and I go about my day.

I use facial recognition to unlock my phone and I can tell you the process for that was about what I expected. To this day when I use it it’s at odd angles that I notice my sister and her BF don’t have to use. In some cases mine lets me unlock my phone from quite a distance which isn’t half bad. It makes me wonder what surveillance type facial recognition would see me as. Would it dismiss my face as little more than white noise?

What tech do you get frustrated with?

I’m off work this week, a staycation, cause you know, reasons. I have a few goals and one of them is to try and to do a blog post a day. Fingers crossed, thoughts and prayers.

Tonight I wanted to talk about my experience during this very odd time we are in.

We, like the rest of the world first heard about this new virus in early January. Canada had its first confirmed case of of Covid-19 on January 15th, 2020. Sooner than most countries, including the states which wouldn’t see its first case until January 19th. Public heath told us that we shouldn’t worry, wasn’t any evidence that this new virus was easily transferable from person to person. I don’t think I gave it much thought at all. In early February I got a call from a friend that sounded more alarm than anything we heard before. We took that warning with a grain of salt but we did heed it and did stock up on some items.

In late February I had to take a trip to my Neurologist‘s office in Toronto. I travelled in crowded conditions both to and from. I answered a questionnaire asking pointed questions. Reminding me a lot like what happened during SARS some many years before (2003). I will need to admit that I was annoyed. I did sit beside an older lady who was coughing. Which I’d be lying if that didn’t give me pause as I was answering those few questions. But again I didn’t think much about it.

In the first week of March I had to go to my optometrist’s office to get a hair plucked out of my eyeball. At this point it was clear this virus wasn’t to be ignored. There was real fear. I remember taking public transit but being extremely careful not to touch any surface. I was very proud of the fact I didn’t touch anything other than my bum to seat and used my jacket to pull the cord to get off. Got home washed my hands and that was it.

On March 16th I noticed I wasn’t feeling well. My throat was sore and I had developed a fever. Knowing this might be nothing or something I didn’t say anything to my sister. I managed to work my shift on the Tuesday but as the day wore on I knew I couldn’t ignore my symptoms. I contacted my local Public Health Department. I spoke with a lovely person who took my info and said I would be contacted if I would need to be tested. I was then told to self-isolate. I told my manager than I told my sister. That wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have. After finishing my work day, I began a long two+ weeks alone in my tiny AF bedroom.

I had a fever for much of those two weeks. I slept most of the time and barely ate. I coughed a ton and had more than one night where my coughing kept me awake. There were times I’d cough so hard I’d bring up the little water I drank. It wasn’t a fun time.

The first few days I waited to hear from public health. I was also in contact with my family doctor. Public heath got back to me via email, they would state that due to the lack of testing kits, I would not be tested. To this day some almost 3 months later I don’t know if I contracted Covid-19 but based on the fact my lungs are still not healed my respirologist is pretty confident I did. I’m now on two daily inhalers which I take every 6 hours and recently had to take prednisone for 5 days just to get the inflammation under control. I don’t know the exact nature of the damage my lungs suffered and might be some time until I do. It sucks.

My health is just one aspect of how Covid-19 has impacted my life. Mom hasn’t been able to go to her day program on Wednesday’s which has meant my sister and I get no real respite. When we have our PSW we used to be able to go out, have coffee but now we either stay home or got for a walk. Getting groceries has been a challenge as it has been for everyone.

It’s now recommended that one wears a face mask when distancing can’t be observed. Well I’ve had a hard time getting some. I’ve ordered from two places one in early April and one early May and so far, nothing. I wish I had my dream sewing machine so I could make a customized one to fit me. But as someone with a facial difference with severe asthma I’m not keen on them. Facial masks are made for the population who are normal, I’m not that. I have the head the size of a four year old. I assume I will be knitting an ear saver, not to save my ear but to ensure I can tighten the masks. Fingers crossed the masks I ordered show up soon. Also fingers crossed Lysol wipes are not so hard to get, I have senior dogs one of whom is not above doing his business of the floor and I need more to help clean up the mess.

We are at the point where things are going to slowly reopen. I’m not sure how I feel about it. I think it’s too soon. I don’t think we will adjust what we have been doing.

On the topic of masks, I’m seeing an awful lot of mask shamming. Whereby people are being AHoles to anyone not wearing one. Here’s the thing I’ve always been one to mind my own business. Unless there is a danger to someone else or anything like that, I don’t people watch and try to judge someone for what they do. I have a feeling when I do get out more and if I can’t wear a mask imma going to have a hard time with people. I doubt very much I will be able to safely wear a mask. I think it’s going to be like herd immunity. As long as the majority of people wear one it will help those few of us who can’t. People to that will than tell me I have no business being out in public then. Damn that sounds familiar, that’s what disabled people have faced since the dawn of time. We are always forced in to darkness and kept indoors, being told we are not welcome because we are different. Well, I’m not having that. I have JUST as much right to be out in public as anyone else. I will not be held up in my home when I need to go out. Of course that means more when things are opened up. Not quite at this point where everyone is still staying indoors. So please if you see someone without a mask just keep going about your day.

What has changed for you.

See you tomorrow!

I feel like most of my blogs posts lately start out as twitter rants or threads about what I’m feeling. Today’s is no different. While watching the most recent episode of Coroner on CBC something the main character said near the end of the episode caught me off guard. To most I bet it wouldn’t have done much. It (as always) was a great piece of dialogue, but for me, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I wanted to start off by asking you, my reader a question. Have you ever been watching a movie, commercial or episode of TV and felt like the writers made the characters say exactly what you were saying, thinking or even have felt? Ever hear one of your most guarded secrets Being said out loud by a character looked around to see if someone was catching on to you? Something that you have lived or are living? It’s an odd feeling no? It can be something so little, so minor but it’s impact is so real and anything but small. It’s something that happens to me a lot. I don’t know why that is but it happened again. Only this time it was a secret.

I can’t and won’t recap the whole episode but I will provide the dialogue which prompted this post. I could keep silent about this. Writing this post is scary for me. As I type my anxiety is telling me NO, don’t post this. No one needed to know, but since I can’t afford or find a psychiatrist this blog will have to be a stand in.

Jenny: “you know sometimes I um…have this uncontrollable well of anger.. inside me and um… and it really scares me…”

I remember when I was watching this, I was a little struck, also a little excited. Ever since I was a kid I’ve lived with that uncontrollable well. I always joked that I was slow to anger but once there, BOOM! But now as I think on it I’m not so sure that’s the case. I don’t think I was/am slow to anger, I thin I am subconsciously trying to seal the well shut and keeping it that way. For the most part I’ve succeeded but there have been a few times I haven’t. You will forgive me for keeping those incidents to myself. They are not something I’m proud of but none of them broke a law.

I wish I knew better words and imagery I could evoke to help you all understand. I know most people will just assume I’m talking about your mundane anger outburst. I can assure you that what I’m describing isn’t “normal” anger like you feel when your spouse, sibling, parent, co-worker, etc. does something wrong. The anger that I can experience outside of the traditional anger is deeper (which is why calling it a well is apt) harder to control if you let it spark. I don’t see red or anything like that. I guess it’s almost like a panic attack, comes out of something otherwise normal and threatens to burst forward and ruin everything in that moment. I’ve sometimes described it to myself as needing a physical representation for my anger. Needing to snap pencils, punch a wall, scream… that sort of thing.

For me because I’ve lived with it for so long, I can feel it, I can see it spark feel a change in body chemistry and know that I have to back off. I know what could happen if I didn’t catch it. It’s not pretty, it’s damn scary.

This part of me is something I’ve kept secret, for a long time I told no one. Only in the past year did I open up to my sister and our core group of friends about it. I’m not sure how it got brought up but I was discussing my asthma and how one of the treatment options my doctors have mentioned is prednisone. This medication has a known issue where because it’s a serious and strong steroid it can cause aggression. I told my sister and friends that I would rather be short of breath all the time than take that. I have a tight hold on my anger, if I took prednisone I’m afraid that the control would be ripped away and I would do something I can’t take back.

We’ve all seen those cases in the news where the perp says they “lost control”. Most people will shake their heads and blame them for not holding control. I’ve never done that, I’ve immediately understood. I can imagine what it feels like to have that control and I know the consequences of losing that control is catastrophic. My sister has maintained that she can’t fathom the need to punch a wall. That’s she has never been that angry before. Yet when I dip in to that well I do know what it’s like.

Don’t get me wrong the consequences are valid and just. Losing that control doesn’t absolve you of responsibility. This well is most likely something one is born with. But I could be wrong on that.

I guess I’m opening up on this blog post because Again I can’t afford a psychiatrist so this is my therapy. Just hoping I’m not alone, and if you can see yourself in these words, you are also not alone. Even if you don’t tell anyone just know it’s ok to feel this way. But know your limits, know and learn to feel the spark, be cautious. Ask for help if you feel like you are losing that control.

---

I saw a tweet recently that I keep coming back to. I was going to write a thread on Twitter but thought this blog might be more useful.

The tweet asked people what their dream job was. There were a lot of replies and a lot of good dream jobs. It occurred to me that no one wrote what I was thinking. Got me thinking that maybe I was the only one who thought the way I did.

How does one know what their dream job is? I know I’ve prob touched on this before but since it’s come up I wanted to explore this further. From an early age I’ve realized unlike a lot of my peers, I had no clue what I wanted to be when I grew up. I often said nurse when pushed to say something. I internalized that so much I almost pursued an education in nursing but at the last minute I backed out. I realized that I only said it and went down that road because it was very familiar to me. I had spent most of my childhood in hospital and as such got to know the nurses really well. I wanted to be just like them. My mom didn’t have a career but worked hard in the customer service industry. I didn’t have any other “professionals” in my life so nursing was all I thought I could do. I also thought I could be a teacher, or lawyer. I ruled out being a teacher early on, when I realized my facial difference would be more of a barrier than I felt comfortable dealing with. Threw out being a lawyer because I didn’t have the skills required to be good at it.

So I have a serious question for all of you. Do YOU know what your dream job is? If so HOW did you know? If something doesn’t straight out and hit you how did/do you discover what you were meant to do. If you do know but are not doing it, why not?

My mom never encouraged my sister and I to do better, be better. Pretty much none of my teachers did either. My guidance counsellor in high school sighted me up for a summer school math class when I expressed interest in nursing. I kind of thought I’d move out, get an apartment get some cool dishes and live a life and have some kids. NONE of that happened. I’m not mad that I own a home, well not fully mad, somewhat though.

I went to university as a mature student with no clue what I wanted to do. I was excited to be the only person in my family to get a disagree and rushed into it. Sadly life happened And bills had to get paid so I gave up trying for an education. When I started working where I am nearly 15 years ago, I retaliated I was good at something. I love coaching others, to build them up to succeed. But again life happens and because I can’t do a 1pm to 9pm shift for who knows how long, I’ve had to give up that as well. So now I’m just a lowly cog in the big machine just doing the thing that pays the bills. It’s NOT a dream job, but it IS a very good job and I’m very thankful.

The concept of following ones dream is not something I will ever understand. I accept this may be a flaw of mine. I would imagine there is great comfort in knowing and finding a path to follow. I really am interested in hearing about how you followed you dream and what it means to you. Leave a comment below.

I’m exhausted so let’s talk about the every day struggles around $$ shall we?

Today I took 1.5 hours of unpaid time off to take our three crazy dogs to the vet. Typically I space out their visits so that financially it works. But we were a tad on the desperate side. See we have used a mobile groomer for well over 6 years. She was awesome, came to our home and took loving care of our three pups. We had her come every three months. Our pups DO not like car rides so any way we can minimize that the easier for all involved. When it came time to schedule their grooming appointment we didn’t get the email out to her before she went on vacation. So as soon as she was back we emailed her, no response. Emailed her again, nothing, called her, no answer and didn’t return our messages. So pretty much after over 6 years we were ghosted by our groomer. So the race was on to see if we could find another mobile groomer. Amazingly they don’t exist, We had one promising lead, but again she decided to also ghost us, cause HEAVEN forbid people just say words to convey a message…..ugh. With the requirement (correctly) of up to date vaccinations we hauled our butts to the vet where I shelled out $822! I love my dogs and it’s not about the money but DAMN there goes the cash I was holding to fix my fence.

My fence in case you don’t follow me on the social media (Twitter: @PLoker) half fell down. Year or so ago a section of it started leaning heavily but we managed to prop it up. Well earlier this year during an intense wind storm that sucker flat out gave up. So like anyone, I waited until the weather was nicer and I tried to get quotes. I tried, and tried and tried…. I’m confused, if you run a business for anything why is it when people contact you about said anything don’t you use words to convey thoughts? Mainly “super sorry can’t fit you in this season or come out for a quote.” That would be helpful, you know what’s not helpful, just ignoring the people who want to give you money in exchange for doing the thing you created a business for! So after FINALLY getting three quotes ranging from near $10,000 to about $4000 I went with the middle guy who knew budget was a concern. We agreed to only do the one side of the yard for which he quoted me $1600, reasonable. Neighbour I share the lawn with agreed to pay half. Neighbour didn’t find anyone to give quotes or expressed any desire to provide any funds upfront. Cool, all on me, gotcha. Dude asked for $1000 upfront for materials and such, he came, I liked him and his wife. Lovely people. He has some health issues so there started to be some problems….long story short it’s turned in to one of those HGTV horror stories where I’m out $1400 (gave $400 to do my front garden) have a pile of warped wood in my backyard, 6 x 30kg (60 pounds) bags of now garbage concrete and a sour puss dude who refuses to refund me my money.

I also need to re do my driveway, roof, front and side door cause in the winter you can just push my locked door open…that’s safe. And my biggest expense project I can’t get done, my basement which flooded a lot and now has mould.

So needless to say for all those who also bring home the bacon to support your families I GET YOU! You are not alone even though it feel like it. Cause all you want to do is buy yourself some pretty socks but you can’t cause that money needs to buy your family food. Maybe there is a reason why my BP is through the roof lately. LOL 😭

I hope this post doesn’t come off as whiny, I’m really tired cause I don’t sleep much and I’m just trying to put one foot in front of the other. Also my moms PSW is out for two months and we might not get a replacement so those 6 hours my sister used to have to go get groceries may have just dried up so will now have to figure out how we manage bathing mom and getting stuff done after my work hours. Monday’s my sister and I would go out together the only two hours a week we had to spend outside the house with each other. Wednesday’s my sister still gets respite, imma still holding down the fort and working.

What are you struggling with lately? Let’s support each other. Also have I told you that September is Craniofacial Acceptance Month?

“Creativity takes courage” – Henri Matisse

Shout out to Barbra L. for today’s blog post topic, art, my art.

For as long as I can remember I’ve always had access to crayons, colouring books, and paper. We were dang poor but this is one thing we had. One of my fondest memories is just spending hours colouring with my sister. it was always something I enjoyed doing. Just playing with colours, drawing. It wasn’t something I did consistently.

One of my favourite classes in school was art. High school was the first time I thought I might be good at something. One time in English class we had a project where we had to do activities from a list regarding a book we were reading. I don’t remember the book but I remember spending a lot of time creating a map of where the book took place. I was SO proud of what I had done, it was SO good. So good in fact my teacher asked if he could keep it. I let him.

As I got older, and life happened art was something I got away from.I still doodled but nothing more. In the last 6 years I’ve found a lot of happiness in creating art of all kinds. Whether it’s drawing, doodles, painting, playing with clay or more recently digital art I find myself able to channel stress in to my art. I find comfort and community.

Art can mean and be so many things to so many people. I love watching other people do their art and love just looking at art. I don’t have a process or any specific techniques. A lot of times I get an idea and I’m compelled to make it happen. Most times it really doesn’t turn out as expected a lot of the feedback I get leads me to think I’m doing a decent job. There are some pieces that I look at and I can’t believe my hand created them, both the good and the bad, lol.

I love taking awesome photographs, and just letting my feelings out in any medium I can. I’m glad that art doesn’t have to be done with the most expensive of tools. If I could create art all day and make a living I would. I would love to have a dedicate art space.

Art is a kind of hope, for me. I hope so much when I do the art that most times it’s exhausting. What are some of you favourite artists?

All of the art work pictures are all available for purchase. If interested please send me an email and we can review pricing. I will explore this topic in future posts. When I do what are you interested in knowing about my art?