I Wonder

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With the movie Wonder just released I thought I’d I share my two cents worth (pun very much intended). My mind is wired in a way that sometimes annoys even myself. I can see both sides to most situations. There are very few situations where my brain draws a hard-line and refuses to see both sides. The reason why I’ve even said this is that it’s important for the following blog post.

 

The book and the movie have sparked fierce debate in my Facial Differences Facebook group. I won’t be sharing details but it’s safe to say there are strong feels on both sides. There are some who feel the book and movie are awesome and an amazing step forward for those with facial differences. On the other side there are some that see the book and movie as disgusting way to make money on our backs. I’m in the middle; I see both sides of this coin.

 

When I first saw the trailer for the movie adaptation of Wonder I didn’t get through it. I broke down and cried like I haven’t cried in a long time. I can’t describe the feeling that washed over me but I can say I was moved. Before I did a deep dive or talked with others I was excited for the movie. I was excited that in 2017 there was finally a movie that allowed me to “see” myself (so to speak). At this point I hadn’t read the book. Did you know that Wonder is only the 2nd movie to focus on facial differences? Did you know that the major difference between them is Wonder is a complete work of fiction and Mask was based on a true story. This difference is important to note; and a point of contention. The book wonder was born from the author’s briefest contact in an ice cream shop where her son reacted rudely to a little girl who had a facial difference. There are those in the facial Difference community who see that the author is making money by sharing a story that is not hers to tell.

 

Here’s my take understanding I have not seen the movie but I have read the book. I choose to see this book as the tiniest pebble in what I hope is finally a foundation that we’ve been working on for the longest time. We being those in the facial difference community and our allies. The book doesn’t tell my story but it does give the smallest glimpse in to some of the feelings I’ve had in my life. That’s what I want those who read Wonder to get; but to also remember that this wasn’t written by a member of the facial difference community. The book unlike real life puts a nice neat bow at the end of the story it told however even that end carries concerns that I shall leave for another post where I will do a deep dive and review. The aim of this post is to help people understand the role this movie is playing.

 

When I’m seeing the tweets from people who have seen the movie I’m truly concerned that people aren’t getting it. Not understanding the true impact having a facial difference has on lives. I see tons of people describing the movie as “awe-inspiring” “heart warming” and such. Pretty standard for movies that focus on personal struggles while showing a character going through life with the added stress of something out of the ordinary. I’ve heard before that people see me as an inspiration, as their hero and I’m not comfy with that. It’s as if I should be put on a pedestal just because I get up go to work, look after my mom, pay my bills..etc while having and dealing with a facial difference. My real triumph is I don’t tell everyone off who stare at me is and this is something I would accept being applauded for ’cause that’s a feat. Everyone has their battles, everyone has to juggle home and work balance and some also have to be care givers. The fact that I also have to juggle having a facial difference doesn’t make me any more of a special person than you who read this. It absolutely adds additional challenges and means I have to spend way more money on things like Dental care, eye glasses, and a ton more time doing various things but that’s it.

 

The other concerns I have with the movie and the book are the marketing strategy / campaign. Specifically the #ChooseKind and the actual image used on the books cover and now on posters and such. Let me first address the #ChooseKind hashtag; to be honest I’m not 100% hating it; as a big picture; it works. Because sadly we do need to be a little more kind to one another. We need to actively teach our kids to be kind because sometimes they grow up to be assholes. I’ve often thought about how sad it is that there needs to exist a chapter or at the vary least a sentence in all employee handbooks addressing this very thing (looking at you Sportchek). As for the image I can say at this point I think I’m 100% against it. Maybe someone will be able to enlighten me as to why a solid white face with no features save for 1 right eye is a good representation for the book; cause I ready it and Auggie has both eyes. I feel like it was almost a cop-out; not showing an actual facial difference being represented does a disservice to the story.

 

I’ve been getting asked quite a bit if I’m going to see the movie; right now the answer is no. When I go to a movie (which hasn’t happened in a long time) I want to escape my reality, I want to laugh, or be thrilled, what I don’t want is to be confronted with the telling of a story that will have me relive what I went through just to get in to the theatre.

 

At the end of the day I hope tons of people see this movie so that my (and everyone else’s) facial difference is more normalized. I’m pretty tired and jaded so I’m thinking this movie will get tons of award buzz and lots of people are going to get a ton of money because of it however it will help the community very little. It won’t ensure that kids with facial differences get access to the care they need more easily, it won’t ensure that they truly can grow up and choose any profession they want (actor, news anchor on the evening news, model… etc), it won’t stop kids growing up like I did with no friends. We are all human and flawed and one movie based on a book written I’m sure with the best of intentions won’t make my life any different. For those who see the movie seeing your difference being represented by an able-bodied actor wearing make up to look like you is akin to mocking us. I had kids try to contort their features to try and mock the way I look which was something I had forgotten about for a long time and something I hope to once again forget; but movies like this won’t make that happen. Remember that you can make a difference by having real conversations with kids about differences; facial differences, is just one. Talk to your kids about how wheelchairs are not a burden but provide much needed access to mobility and thus freedom to do the simplest tasks. Tell your kids that those with wheelchairs or facial differences or any difference shouldn’t be pitied or admired but respected as you would respect anyone. Remember that this is only a movie, and that those who live with a facial difference don’t always get happy endings. Remember that love is a powerful tool and can overcome a lot.

Rant…I’m pissed! Again!

Bare with me… rant incoming with F bombs. You’ve been warned.

This photo is a still from an upcoming / already aired episode of Legends of Tomorrow.

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If you can’t figure out yet what this rant is going to be about… you clearly don’t know me.

This Character is known as the Black Flash and as you can see like so many other fucking villains they’ve decided to make him “scary.” How did they achieve this… well they decided to fuck up his face.

I’m so fucking tired of never “seeing” myself on TV and instead seeing “bad dudes” made up to look like a version of me. I’m tired of saying that the only character I can identify with is The Phantom (he doesn’t even have a name!) from The Phantom of the Opera. I’m tired of realizing that kids today born as I was STILL have never seen a true, honest, “normal” role in a movie or TV show that represents them.

When they choose to cast able bodied or “normal” looking folks in roles in which they play someone disabled or with a visible difference (facial or otherwise) I often hear people say (in defence when I start ranting) that “well maybe no one with that disorder, disability, facial difference auditioned or may not have been a good enough actor to play the role or that they don’t exist”. You know why that is? Because we are not GIVEN A SNOWBALLS CHANCE IN FUCKING HELL to try.

If I went to an open casting call I’d be laughed out the door. If they are looking for someone with a difference it’s normally a tiny role meant to further the plot in some way or the actor/difference is being used as inspirational porn.

I get that I will never with an Oscar, I will never be an actor. I work in a call centre because I was NEVER told I could be anything I wanted to be or DO anything I wanted to do. You know what? That’s because I never had to be told that, I already knew. It’s 20FUCKING17 and in a time where we are focused on valid world issues such as #BlackLivesMatter (Damn right they do), #Feminism and all of the other valid struggles;  those with facial differences are STILL screwed over. There is ZERO public outcry, hostages, or a desire for society to change this. Zero movements or effort to raise funds for organizations that actively help those with facial differences navigate life.

Side note: In most workshops I have attended run by groups like this they actually advocate to call the employer ahead of time to “warn” them that you have a facial difference. FUCK THAT, if you see me and the first thought is FUCK she’s ugly and you decide NOT to hire me, you can go tuck yourself. I have ZERO desire to give anyone the chance to prejudge me. I’m tired of the fact that there is a HUGE assumption that just because we look different it automatically means we have a lower IQ. When I’m with anyone and we encounter a stranger the stranger will AUTOMATICALLY start talking with the person I’m with as if I don’t even exist. This is ALWAYS the most evident when I’m training a new volunteer. Someone will walk through the door and even when I say “can I help you” with my trainee by my side, the person will IGNORE me and first speak with my trainee (they clearly miss the deer in headlights vacant look most of my trainees have that first day). I have NEVER mentioned this but anyone of my trainees who reads this can probably remember this happening.

I step out in public every fucking day to provide for my family when there are days I’d rather stay home than venture out KNOWING I’m going to get stared at, looked at, laughed at, pointed at, and talked about. I step outside every fucking day and endure that and when it happens I either want to cry or snap. I FUCKING gave the finger to a kid at Costco yesterday and I laughed. I laughed because the alternative was either teaching that kid a few new swear words or cry. I can’t go out and shop in piece… nope I have to deal with shot like that. Most articles produced for those with facial differences talk about how to approach such topics, suggesting we make eye contact or politely strike up a conversation. I disagree with ALL of these methods; how about we start teaching children at an early age that people come in all sorts of shapes, colours, and flavours. How about we start producing movies, art, TV that show all walks of life so that when everyone is growing up we see EVERYONE and oh look no one is considered a freak (unless you like that sort of thing). It’s akin to victim blaming; I have to approach you differently simply because you’ve never seen another human being that looks different even though unless you are a twin we all look different from one another anyways.  I’m ok with being the anti-role model; I’m ok teaching kids to stick up for themselves and being able to tell others to mind their own business and stop fucking starring at them; they should be allowed to be anything they want to be but instead we teach little kids with differences that you have to teach others ducking decent human manners.

YES, I have a job, I have a house, I have a sister who is my rock (shout out and lots of love to Crystal), I have amazing friends and co-worker and complete strangers who think I’m awesome. That helps it really does however this post if for the rest of the world, to those agents, casting managers, film makers etc… Pull your heads out of your ass! I’m FUCKING tired of all of this shit. Yes to those who support me (you know who you are) I get that I’m loved, I get that I’m luckier that probably 80% of the world but that doesn’t help me get out the door every morning. If anything it adds to it. I have a voice I can say ALL of this but it won’t make a difference. Those countries who treat their disabled like shit will continue to do so, those countries who throw away their children because they look different will continue to do so. Until we as a society decide that those with differences are a VALUE and not trash, not something to be pitted the world will NOT change and I will continue to have to write these words. I won’t stop, as much as it gets me mad, upset, everything I will gladly take on ALL of that. I would take on all the hurt that children suffer and I would be ok, I’m USED to it! I keep putting one foot in front of the other because if I dared to stop, I would crumble and I wouldn’t be any good to anyone.

PLEASE share this, please ADD to it. Tell YOUR story! Together we can change the world; one voice really CAN make a difference.

 

Transit

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For those who don’t know me or haven’t heard me complain about it often enough; I’m not legally allowed to drive, so my only option is public transit since I haven’t won the lottery and cannot afford a private driver.

 

Living in Kitchener-Waterloo (aka Region of Waterloo) we are serviced by one transit system that spans 3 cities (well I guess it’s more than that now as it also serves some smaller townships). For the most part over the years I’ve seen vast improvements in both the routes and the customer service. However this post is going to focus on the huge pain points that me and my family have gone through with respect to Grand River Transit.

 

Weekend Service:

I typically start work at 7am, no matter what day it is. I thought by working on Saturdays I would be able to get to work before 7am. Sadly the first bus that goes by is 6:21am the time it takes me to get from my house to work is 58 minutes which includes an 8-minute layover for another bus. By taking this option this would get me to work for 7:20am IF they were on time; unfortunately, this would make me 20 minutes late for work, not cool

I’ve been lucky a co-worker (hi Cory) has been able to go out of his way to come and get me however on the off chance he cannot (as he won’t be able toon an upcoming Saturday due to vacation) this has left me with 2 options for which I have to choose to get to work on time:

1) walk, it’s about 10km one way which takes me roughly 2 hours; or

2) pay a large sum to a cab or car-share ride program to get to work on time. I’ve done this on the way home one night because I was tired and it cost me just shy of $18 (that’s with 20% off promo code) to get home from work going to work will pretty much be the same cost.

 

When I bought my house Sunday bus service meant 1 bus every 60 minutes. This has slightly improved to be 1 bus every 45 minutes however the first bus that goes by our house is at 8:15am. I typically start work at 7am, or 8am, however when bus goes by after you are already scheduled to start your shift with about an hour commute to go you can see the limitations I face. Thankfully I don’t have many Sundays where I need to work so if I do go out it’s by choice and has not been the biggest pain.

 

Weekday Service:

I really can’t complain about the weekday service. I can get a bus at 5:34am which gives me a nice layover where I can grab a coffee and still get to work before anyone else at around 6:25am. Even coming home after work at around 3pm hasn’t been that much of a problem. Now I have been doing some odd shifts and I can say that trying to get home after working until 9pm isn’t really fun as I usually have a 45 minute wait in the cold (it’s winter) for my connecting bus which will get me home but those shifts are few and far between so I honestly don’t mind them.

 

MobilityPlus

When you live in the Waterloo Region and you are physically unable to take the traditional city bus there is a door-to-door service called MobilityPlus. It’s an off-shoot of GRT (Grand River Transit) which provides transportation for the elderly, disabled, and such. Since my mom had a stroke 3 years ago my sister and I have become very much aware of this service, how good it can be and the clear gaps and improvements it needs to make it the best it can be. Currently the only way to book a ride is by calling; they seem to have 1 human at any given time manning the phone to answer your call to book your ride. There is one gentleman who works there (no idea what his name is) who has the customer service skills of sandpaper. He is extremely rude, he makes frequent errors (when pointed out to him blames the customer), and seems to have zero regard for plain decency. And yes before you comment asking if we have lodged complaints…we have, almost after every single interaction with him. While he is still employed in the role is beyond us; the fact that I work in customer service makes dealing with him all the more frustrating because I can promise you if I EVER talked to my customers like that I’d be suspended, talked to, and if it happened again on top of mistakes that cost the company money I’d be out of a job. I figure the guy is protected by a union however I would imagine they could give him any other role that is not customer facing to satisfy the employment requirements. The other few agents they have working in the office are 100% awesome; sweet to talk to and never make you feel rushed.

 

Because they seem to only have 1 person manning the line at any given time sometimes the wait times are absolutely nuts. I think our record wait time was over an hour however recently you can’t even get through it just rings busy. Now you might be asking yourself “Why don’t you book online?” That is a GREAT idea…sadly the systems they are using are SO dated that booking online is not even an option. As someone who can only hear out of one ear waiting on hold having to hold the phone up to just one ear I can tell you is NOT very comfy. I tend to use my cell however if I put it on speaker I risk missing it because their hold music is so low and of such low quality it might as well not exist.

 

Once you have your ride booked (which at this point we can all agree is no easy task) comes your pick up times. They tend to give you a 30 minute window that is at least 1 hour from your scheduled appointment. So if my mom has a doctor’s appointment on a Thursday at 1pm the pickup time will be between 11:30am and noon; assuming there are no other pickups (there never has ever been) it’s a bout a 10-15 minute ride. This in turn means if we get picked up at 11:30am on the dot we will get to her doctor’s office by 11:45am-ish that means we have a lovely 1 hour and 15 minutes to sit doing nothing while we wait. We all know that doctor’s appointments tend to be quick; so lets say we are seen right at 1pm (cause we’ve been sitting there for an hour) he chats with my mom and we are done by 1:15pm-ish, MobilityPlus will take the appointment time of 1pm add an hour and make our pick up for our return trip home to be 2pm-2:30pm this means yet another potentially hour or more that we are waiting for a ride home. Now that’s IF they get there by 2:30pm its very possible that they forget you, or they are just plain late. This means a simple 15-minute appointment has taken half a day. This frustrates us to NO end because it is not convenient.

 

We have also been told that because we live in the North end of Waterloo we will always get least priority since they have to come out further to get us. This means longer wait times but also has meant that mom has not been able to attend a day programme on Thursdays. She used to be able to go but apparently due to cut-backs they have had to limit rides and thus my mom gets shafted. She has not been able to attend the Thursday program for about 6 months now and it upsets her since she had so much fun going. On Wednesdays she also attends a day program however because there is a therapeutic component to it the program director fought with GRT to have her rides on Wednesdays consistent. This means that they are prescheduled and we do not have to call every week to book both the pick up from home or the return trip home. We did try to have this done for the Thursday program however GRT declined and as such we have waited on hold an average of an hour every Thursday morning to book a ride for the following Thursday only to be told that there are ZERO rides available…why? Because of “cut backs” “because of where you live”. When it comes to non medical outings you can only book a week ahead of the day you are calling. So if mom and I wanted to go to the mall THIS Saturday we would be out of luck; the earliest we would be able to go would be the following week IF they have time slots available that work.

 

I’ve provided feedback and short of going to the Mayors office (Waterloo and Kitchener) I don’t know what else to do to accomplish the sweeping changes that are clearly desperately needed. I know that we are not the only ones that struggle with GRT as I do work with two gentlemen that also rely on the service and have the same headaches we do.

 

To be fair we are extremely lucky to have such service in the first place. I’ve heard of some other similar services in other parts of the world and they have their own limitations. Overall the transit in the Region of Waterloo is pretty decent and again has expanded as the city has but as someone who will only ever be able to take the bus I see flaws that don’t need to be there, barriers that could be overcome and great people who work hard to make sure that everything runs smoothly.

 

Gobble Gobble!

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Today up here in Canada we celebrated Thanksgiving today! Anytime anyone says “Happy Thanksgiving” I find myself wanting to be different and always tend to respond with “Happy Gobble Gobble!”.

Being Atheist, this tends to be the holiday that I mostly gravitate towards. For me it’s a time to reflect on the past year, to sit down with my tiny family of 4 (including me) and have dinner at our mostly unused dinning room table.

It’s thought that Canada first celebrated Thanksgiving in 1578 when an exbidition from England by Martin Frobisher (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Martin_Frobisher) landed and gathered with the remainder of his fleet and they had a feast. It seems to have taken shape after that in 1604 when Samuel de Champlain shared food with Native Canadians. The dates in which our Thanksgiving Day have shifted over the years and is now celebrated the second Monday of October and has been fixed on this day since 1957.

For me it’s much less about what I’m thankful for since not a day goes by when I don’t look around and think about the good things around me, which I do to compact the negative feelings I have about all the crap that is going on. Crap that is either happening to me, those I love, or just the world in general. I have a great house (that needs some repairs), I have great friends (that I don’t see nearly enough), I have a great job, (really no down side here), I have a great family (not big but they are all I need). Thanksgiving for me is reminding myself about balance, about love. I’m truly thankful to be Canadian, to have a healthcare system that doesn’t bankrupt me or has left me for dead. To be Canadian with a leader who may not be perfect but has Canadians in his thoughts, who is a stable human being. I’m thankful that I have an audience to write to, who appreciate my quirky sense of humour and who are forgiving for my lack of writing.

I originally conceived this post to make be a bit of a commentary on the U.S. elections however I figured that wasn’t in the spirit of Thanksgiving. Well except the part where I’m thankful not to be American. That may be a post for another day, today as I write this I’m fighting the food coma that comes with having had a full plate of food. I think the only regret I have this day is that I didn’t do enough to help others today. I know that this is my first post in a very long time please forgive it’s shortness however I’m going to go and watch a movie with my mom, who I’m very thankful I can still watch movies with.

To those who are struggling (in any way) on this day know that you are in my thoughts. Today is a day of reflection, and of love and I appreciate and love all of you. I don’t always feel thankful, or even act like it some days but on this day I try to make an extra effort.

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Our Turkey dinner tonight!

#OscarsSoWhite and Diversity

Every since the 2016 Acedmey award nominations were announced there has been much discussion about racism, and lack of diversity in Hollywood. Many are planning to boycott the awards ceremony and have been voicing their displeasure about the lack of colour amongst the nomonies. I support any movement that opens a dialogue leading to positive change.
We can’t get around the fact that in America (and yes even in Canada and around the world) people are still discriminated solely based on the colour of their skin, their body type, sexual orientation, Religion and their ethnicity. We even talk a little about the fact that those who identify as disabled are not taken in to consideration. “Talk a little” are the three key words in my last sentence.
For today’s blog post I want to expand on this movement and continue to support those who are different. The one thing that has been absent thus far in this discussion going on about diversity is that those with physical differences are once again being overlooked, and ignored. Being ignored by my peers is not a new concept however as I get older, and as we continue to change our tolerance for what is accepted I get more and more frustrated that real change still alludes us.
There was a quote by actor Will Smith that I saw today and it read “This is about children that are going to sit down and watch this show and they’re not going to see themselves represented”. That is a powerful statement and so very true on so many levels. Although I believe that Mr. Smith meant only a very narrow definition as to “representation” it does erase the fact that this statement is true. I’m 34 I’m still waiting to see someone that represents me, I’m still seen as “ugly”.
The whole concept of storytelling, needs to change. We still need to continue to tell the stories that move us, make us laugh, make us think, and cry however the ways we protray those stories visually, needs to be brought in to the 21st century. In order to tell those stories more effectively we need to provide the opportunities for those who play those parts to be protrayed by the best of us. Whether or not that person is visuablly different, cause I hate to break it to everyone, we are all different. 
I’m frustrated that when I was growing up I automatically dismissed becoming an actor because I had a facial difference. I did participate in school plays, I thought I was pretty good, and I enjoyed it. I’m frustrated that when I was growing up, if there was someone with a facial difference they typically held the role of the villain. I’m frustrated that in the event there is an actual role where someone is protrayed not as a villain with a facial difference they use heavy makeup, and protectics to achieve the look instead of reaching out to find an actor with a facial difference. I’m frustrated that when there is a role for anyone who is considered different or disabled it tends to elicit a sense of pity instead of letting that actor shine. A special shout out to NCIS New Orleans for hiring an amazing actor who happens to get around on some awesome wheels.
The Acedemy recently announced sweeping changes to bolster the diversity of their membership in the hopes that future votes will better reflect the global makeup of the world. Here is the press release:
  

Although this is a great first step I hope that they include real diversity and not focus on just colour, gender, or sexual orientation. 
I’m not ignorant to the fact that those with facial differences will probably always get the short end of the stick but I hope that one day when kids sit down to watch these ceremonies they truly do see great role models they can look up to and admire. I hope they can see someone that represents them which creates a spark that changes their life.

My house will turn out to be a sound investment, right?

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I bought my amazing home in 2012, got the keys on February 29th, 2012 and will be celebrating 4 years of home ownership this year, LEAP YEAR! For the most part it’s been awesome; I love the amount of space we have. I love that because we own a bungalow when my mom suffered a stroke she was able to come home instead of into a long-term care facility after she completed her rehab.

 

I love that when I moved in we didn’t have to paint a single room, now after 4 years almost every room could use a new coat of paint. I love that our backyard was fenced in, now after 4 years the fence and gate need to be replaced. I love that our front step was big enough to sit out on, now after 4 years and a mom suffering a stroke we need a safe ramp.

 

The list of things that require my attention with regards to my amazing home seems to be growing by the day. Here is a list:

 

  1. Gutters need to be replaced, when it rains, it pours. No joke, it’s a sheet of water coming down in the front of my home.
  2. Driveway needs to be dug out, re-slopped, and re-paved.
  3. A ramp needs to be installed. We have a very tiny ramp that allows my sister to get mom in and out of the house however if I was alone with my mom I cannot safely get my mom out. This also means I cannot just take her somewhere if I want to.
  4. New stove, the current one takes FOREVER to preheat and the glass top came damaged.
  5. Toilets need to be replaced. Nothing more needs to be said with this.
  6. Bathroom door and one bedroom door needs to be replaced. The master bedroom door never came with a doorknob. I would also LOVE a door, my basement bedroom has a curtain.
  7. I have about 3 cracks in the foundation of my home that need to be fixed. It floods in my closet and in our laundry room.
  8. The fence in the backyard has one section that is falling forward, the post is toast. The whole fence needs to be replaced.

 

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How do other home owners balance these needs? We have already fixed some pluming issues, recently replaced our sub-pump, taken a bad tree out…it just never seems to end when you own a home.

 

We have a quote for a ramp of over $4000, fixing the cracks in the foundation will be roughly $2000, fence looking at $2000…Where are these funds suppose to come from? I try to work overtime when I can but I also need to balance being a caregiver, and I just can’t give up doing my volunteer work. Thought about getting a second job but that doesn’t seem very practical either. I make a decent wage, a living wage which I’m forever grateful for however it gives me just enough to make monthly expenses supporting a family of 4 and not much more to be able to save in case shit goes wrong. I never expected my mom to have a stroke, think that is where it all went to heck, her and I would split the mortgage payments. Now that I have taken on the full mortgage payments and add that to other payments I have taken on its can be overwhelming. I’ve sometimes taken the stance to just ignoring everything, pretending it isn’t happening….anyone else do that?

 

Why I threw in the towel

Yesterday I posted about my extremely brief foray into online dating, I wrote about how I felt it failed. Let me expand on that today.
I got a lot of great feedback, I also saw some comments suggesting I gave up far too quickly, that I should have stuck it out because not all guys are dicks, or assholes. I do know this, I have met real life guys who are awesome, they’re already taken.
I’m pretty self-aware, I know who I am, I know what my flaws are. One being I’m not willing to compromise what I’m looking for. I’m a very independent woman, I take after my mom in that trait. I know I don’t NEED a guy in my life, that isn’t to say I don’t want one ’cause I do. I know that I would be ok going through life as is, alone, doing my own thing but I do understand the quote:
  

I have this vision of my “perfect” guy (yes I can hear that laugh and snicker) and I won’t settle. It’s not a visual image, lord knows I don’t judge in that department, but it’s more of a emotional image. I want a guy who just fits right in, I want a certain feeling and I can’t get that online.
It’s more my fault than theirs, with online dating I’m always suspicious, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is yet another flaw of mine, I’m always poised waiting for the other shoe to drop. I get weirded out easily by guys online claiming to “have a connection” because if I’m truly honest, I don’t feel it and I don’t know how to say that.
I have been told I have unrealistically high expectations when it comes to what I’m looking for. I want a guy who also knows who he is, he has a job (or does volunteer work in the event he can’t work), I want someone who loves animals and music equally, who would attend a hockey game one night, and an art exhibit the next. I want someone who loves camping, skiing, video games and boarded games, also being handy wouldn’t hurt. I don’t want someone much older than me, I know age is only a number but for some reason it’s important to me. 
I didn’t give up online dating because someone told me I was ugly, I did give it up because the potential to be told that on a regular basis is exhausting. I get that in the real world, I get it, don’t need to keep beating that nail on the head. I gave up online dating after a short time because I knew it wasn’t the right outlet for me. I need to interact in the real world, I need to see their facial expressions, hear their tone of voice.
It’s not them, it’s me!