Well?

I feel like most of my blogs posts lately start out as twitter rants or threads about what I’m feeling. Today’s is no different. While watching the most recent episode of Coroner on CBC something the main character said near the end of the episode caught me off guard. To most I bet it wouldn’t have done much. It (as always) was a great piece of dialogue, but for me, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I wanted to start off by asking you, my reader a question. Have you ever been watching a movie, commercial or episode of TV and felt like the writers made the characters say exactly what you were saying, thinking or even have felt? Ever hear one of your most guarded secrets Being said out loud by a character looked around to see if someone was catching on to you? Something that you have lived or are living? It’s an odd feeling no? It can be something so little, so minor but it’s impact is so real and anything but small. It’s something that happens to me a lot. I don’t know why that is but it happened again. Only this time it was a secret.

I can’t and won’t recap the whole episode but I will provide the dialogue which prompted this post. I could keep silent about this. Writing this post is scary for me. As I type my anxiety is telling me NO, don’t post this. No one needed to know, but since I can’t afford or find a psychiatrist this blog will have to be a stand in.

Jenny: “you know sometimes I um…have this uncontrollable well of anger.. inside me and um… and it really scares me…”

I remember when I was watching this, I was a little struck, also a little excited. Ever since I was a kid I’ve lived with that uncontrollable well. I always joked that I was slow to anger but once there, BOOM! But now as I think on it I’m not so sure that’s the case. I don’t think I was/am slow to anger, I thin I am subconsciously trying to seal the well shut and keeping it that way. For the most part I’ve succeeded but there have been a few times I haven’t. You will forgive me for keeping those incidents to myself. They are not something I’m proud of but none of them broke a law.

I wish I knew better words and imagery I could evoke to help you all understand. I know most people will just assume I’m talking about your mundane anger outburst. I can assure you that what I’m describing isn’t “normal” anger like you feel when your spouse, sibling, parent, co-worker, etc. does something wrong. The anger that I can experience outside of the traditional anger is deeper (which is why calling it a well is apt) harder to control if you let it spark. I don’t see red or anything like that. I guess it’s almost like a panic attack, comes out of something otherwise normal and threatens to burst forward and ruin everything in that moment. I’ve sometimes described it to myself as needing a physical representation for my anger. Needing to snap pencils, punch a wall, scream… that sort of thing.

For me because I’ve lived with it for so long, I can feel it, I can see it spark feel a change in body chemistry and know that I have to back off. I know what could happen if I didn’t catch it. It’s not pretty, it’s damn scary.

This part of me is something I’ve kept secret, for a long time I told no one. Only in the past year did I open up to my sister and our core group of friends about it. I’m not sure how it got brought up but I was discussing my asthma and how one of the treatment options my doctors have mentioned is prednisone. This medication has a known issue where because it’s a serious and strong steroid it can cause aggression. I told my sister and friends that I would rather be short of breath all the time than take that. I have a tight hold on my anger, if I took prednisone I’m afraid that the control would be ripped away and I would do something I can’t take back.

We’ve all seen those cases in the news where the perp says they “lost control”. Most people will shake their heads and blame them for not holding control. I’ve never done that, I’ve immediately understood. I can imagine what it feels like to have that control and I know the consequences of losing that control is catastrophic. My sister has maintained that she can’t fathom the need to punch a wall. That’s she has never been that angry before. Yet when I dip in to that well I do know what it’s like.

Don’t get me wrong the consequences are valid and just. Losing that control doesn’t absolve you of responsibility. This well is most likely something one is born with. But I could be wrong on that.

I guess I’m opening up on this blog post because Again I can’t afford a psychiatrist so this is my therapy. Just hoping I’m not alone, and if you can see yourself in these words, you are also not alone. Even if you don’t tell anyone just know it’s ok to feel this way. But know your limits, know and learn to feel the spark, be cautious. Ask for help if you feel like you are losing that control.

Follow your….dreams?


Inspiring quote with the words “Believe in yourself and follow your dream”

I saw a tweet recently that I keep coming back to. I was going to write a thread on Twitter but thought this blog might be more useful.

The tweet asked people what their dream job was. There were a lot of replies and a lot of good dream jobs. It occurred to me that no one wrote what I was thinking. Got me thinking that maybe I was the only one who thought the way I did.

How does one know what their dream job is? I know I’ve prob touched on this before but since it’s come up I wanted to explore this further. From an early age I’ve realized unlike a lot of my peers, I had no clue what I wanted to be when I grew up. I often said nurse when pushed to say something. I internalized that so much I almost pursued an education in nursing but at the last minute I backed out. I realized that I only said it and went down that road because it was very familiar to me. I had spent most of my childhood in hospital and as such got to know the nurses really well. I wanted to be just like them. My mom didn’t have a career but worked hard in the customer service industry. I didn’t have any other “professionals” in my life so nursing was all I thought I could do. I also thought I could be a teacher, or lawyer. I ruled out being a teacher early on, when I realized my facial difference would be more of a barrier than I felt comfortable dealing with. Threw out being a lawyer because I didn’t have the skills required to be good at it.

So I have a serious question for all of you. Do YOU know what your dream job is? If so HOW did you know? If something doesn’t straight out and hit you how did/do you discover what you were meant to do. If you do know but are not doing it, why not?

My mom never encouraged my sister and I to do better, be better. Pretty much none of my teachers did either. My guidance counsellor in high school sighted me up for a summer school math class when I expressed interest in nursing. I kind of thought I’d move out, get an apartment get some cool dishes and live a life and have some kids. NONE of that happened. I’m not mad that I own a home, well not fully mad, somewhat though.

I went to university as a mature student with no clue what I wanted to do. I was excited to be the only person in my family to get a disagree and rushed into it. Sadly life happened And bills had to get paid so I gave up trying for an education. When I started working where I am nearly 15 years ago, I retaliated I was good at something. I love coaching others, to build them up to succeed. But again life happens and because I can’t do a 1pm to 9pm shift for who knows how long, I’ve had to give up that as well. So now I’m just a lowly cog in the big machine just doing the thing that pays the bills. It’s NOT a dream job, but it IS a very good job and I’m very thankful.

The concept of following ones dream is not something I will ever understand. I accept this may be a flaw of mine. I would imagine there is great comfort in knowing and finding a path to follow. I really am interested in hearing about how you followed you dream and what it means to you. Leave a comment below.

It’s ok not to be ok

TRIGGER WARNING: this post talks about suicide, please only read if you have the emotional currency to.

Before you read further know that I’m ok.

When I got my clinic notes last year and read through them the emphasis was to “fix” because my mom was worried about how other kids would see me. It wasn’t about teaching me how to cope with my facial difference it was about teaching me we needed to fix my difference because of how other people see me. I blocked out so much of my childhood, I have no doubt there were some peers of mine who did treat me ok.

I don’t remember any adults sitting me down telling me it’s ok to be angry, sad, frustrated or scared. I learned from an early age what it meant to just get on with it and not complain. I stopped telling anyone about what kids said to me and we as a family NEVER talked about it or talked about what happened when we went out in public. I’ve written before about how when in public my mom’s solution was to force me behind either her or my sister and put my head down. I remember protesting this on a number of occasions but eventually just gave up and started doing that all on my own, still do. One of the lasting impacts of my childhood is my inability to hold my head high in public. I walk with my head down, it’s hard to hold one heads high when one is met with stares and points in your direction.

There have been times in my life where my self esteem was so low that I didn’t know why I was even here. Why would I continue when no one liked me, no one wanted to be my friend. Why continue to be a part of a society who saw me as nothing more than a throw away character undeserving of love.

All I heard from peers was either silence or menacing comments, day in and day out. When I got home I had no one I could talk to, mom worked and told me to just ignore them, my sister tried and always came to my defence when she could but at some point she too just said I should ignore them. No one understood what was going on in my head, no one asked, got the impression that no one much cared. I never got to any kind of formal planning but I did have thoughts of suicide, I thought about best way, thought about what I would write in a note. I never formulated anything outside my own head, I never dared to say it out loud, my mom used to call people who killed themselves cowards. One of the big things that ensured the thoughts stayed as thoughts was my mom and my sister. I thought about someone having to tell them, of how she had been through so much and lost so many, how could I do that to her. I have wrestled with those thoughts and how it would play out on and off throughout my childhood and teenage years, it has been a long while since I’ve had those arguments with myself but they too have made a lasting impression.

Having a visible difference wears on a person, as I got older I got really good at hiding my feelings and never shared with anyone how I really was. Even now on my bad days I’m “fine” because what choice do I have?

Like everyone, I have a family to provide for, a house to upkeep and bills to keep on top of. In some cases this is what keeps me going. One foot in front of the other, it’s been how I’ve lived my life and how I will continue to keep on going.

I understand and it hits me deep every time I hear that someone has taken their own life. I understand when loved ones say “we never saw it coming”, because they didn’t. Not all people who suffer do so in a way that you would ever begin to imagine, in a way that you could see, or even prevent. I think as a society we are getting better at knowing this, but there is still a long way to go. Almost everyone who talks about suicide will always say “just reach out to a trusted person” or wonder why someone didn’t. I don’t think I can find the words to help you understand why that isn’t always an option. There won’t always be “a cry for help” there won’t always be a moment where YOU could have made a difference. I found a tribe online, on twitter where I know I can say the smallest thing and they will pick up on something I might not even know it came off as that. I know that if one of us doesn’t post for a day or so we are demanding a check in, just to make sure we are all ok, this tribe is something that I fell in to and it has become my safety net. Please note I KNOW I have a lot of real life connections that I know I could go to I know there will be lots of comments and such of my amazingly awesome friends that reassure me of this, and I love all of you for that.

If you’ve read this and you have felt that I have spoken your truth, know now that you are not alone. I know that on those dark days the words “you are not alone” are shrouded in darkness and seem so, so far away, I can only ask you to stay, because I need you to.

#CraniofacialAcceptanceMonth

When it rains it pours

I’m exhausted so let’s talk about the every day struggles around $$ shall we?

Daka and son Dorje

Today I took 1.5 hours of unpaid time off to take our three crazy dogs to the vet. Typically I space out their visits so that financially it works. But we were a tad on the desperate side. See we have used a mobile groomer for well over 6 years. She was awesome, came to our home and took loving care of our three pups. We had her come every three months. Our pups DO not like car rides so any way we can minimize that the easier for all involved. When it came time to schedule their grooming appointment we didn’t get the email out to her before she went on vacation. So as soon as she was back we emailed her, no response. Emailed her again, nothing, called her, no answer and didn’t return our messages. So pretty much after over 6 years we were ghosted by our groomer. So the race was on to see if we could find another mobile groomer. Amazingly they don’t exist, We had one promising lead, but again she decided to also ghost us, cause HEAVEN forbid people just say words to convey a message…..ugh. With the requirement (correctly) of up to date vaccinations we hauled our butts to the vet where I shelled out $822! I love my dogs and it’s not about the money but DAMN there goes the cash I was holding to fix my fence.

LtoR: Dorje, Daka and Ellie. Relaxing after stressful visit to vet

My fence in case you don’t follow me on the social media (Twitter: @PLoker) half fell down. Year or so ago a section of it started leaning heavily but we managed to prop it up. Well earlier this year during an intense wind storm that sucker flat out gave up. So like anyone, I waited until the weather was nicer and I tried to get quotes. I tried, and tried and tried…. I’m confused, if you run a business for anything why is it when people contact you about said anything don’t you use words to convey thoughts? Mainly “super sorry can’t fit you in this season or come out for a quote.” That would be helpful, you know what’s not helpful, just ignoring the people who want to give you money in exchange for doing the thing you created a business for! So after FINALLY getting three quotes ranging from near $10,000 to about $4000 I went with the middle guy who knew budget was a concern. We agreed to only do the one side of the yard for which he quoted me $1600, reasonable. Neighbour I share the lawn with agreed to pay half. Neighbour didn’t find anyone to give quotes or expressed any desire to provide any funds upfront. Cool, all on me, gotcha. Dude asked for $1000 upfront for materials and such, he came, I liked him and his wife. Lovely people. He has some health issues so there started to be some problems….long story short it’s turned in to one of those HGTV horror stories where I’m out $1400 (gave $400 to do my front garden) have a pile of warped wood in my backyard, 6 x 30kg (60 pounds) bags of now garbage concrete and a sour puss dude who refuses to refund me my money.

Bye old fence. Well not by, dude just left this mess!

I also need to re do my driveway, roof, front and side door cause in the winter you can just push my locked door open…that’s safe. And my biggest expense project I can’t get done, my basement which flooded a lot and now has mould.

So needless to say for all those who also bring home the bacon to support your families I GET YOU! You are not alone even though it feel like it. Cause all you want to do is buy yourself some pretty socks but you can’t cause that money needs to buy your family food. Maybe there is a reason why my BP is through the roof lately. LOL 😭

I hope this post doesn’t come off as whiny, I’m really tired cause I don’t sleep much and I’m just trying to put one foot in front of the other. Also my moms PSW is out for two months and we might not get a replacement so those 6 hours my sister used to have to go get groceries may have just dried up so will now have to figure out how we manage bathing mom and getting stuff done after my work hours. Monday’s my sister and I would go out together the only two hours a week we had to spend outside the house with each other. Wednesday’s my sister still gets respite, imma still holding down the fort and working.

What are you struggling with lately? Let’s support each other. Also have I told you that September is Craniofacial Acceptance Month?

With this brush, pencil, marker, I thee art!

“Creativity takes courage” – Henri Matisse

Shout out to Barbra L. for today’s blog post topic, art, my art.

“Pavement Daisies” photo taken by Penny Loker

For as long as I can remember I’ve always had access to crayons, colouring books, and paper. We were dang poor but this is one thing we had. One of my fondest memories is just spending hours colouring with my sister. it was always something I enjoyed doing. Just playing with colours, drawing. It wasn’t something I did consistently.

“Alone” Drew by Penny Loker 2019

One of my favourite classes in school was art. High school was the first time I thought I might be good at something. One time in English class we had a project where we had to do activities from a list regarding a book we were reading. I don’t remember the book but I remember spending a lot of time creating a map of where the book took place. I was SO proud of what I had done, it was SO good. So good in fact my teacher asked if he could keep it. I let him.

“29 fallen stars” painted by Penny Loker Aug 4th, 2019

As I got older, and life happened art was something I got away from.I still doodled but nothing more. In the last 6 years I’ve found a lot of happiness in creating art of all kinds. Whether it’s drawing, doodles, painting, playing with clay or more recently digital art I find myself able to channel stress in to my art. I find comfort and community.

“Spacing Dreams” painted by Penny Loker May 6th, 2019

Art can mean and be so many things to so many people. I love watching other people do their art and love just looking at art. I don’t have a process or any specific techniques. A lot of times I get an idea and I’m compelled to make it happen. Most times it really doesn’t turn out as expected a lot of the feedback I get leads me to think I’m doing a decent job. There are some pieces that I look at and I can’t believe my hand created them, both the good and the bad, lol.

“Summer Storm Brewing” painted by Penny Loker March 20th, 2019

I love taking awesome photographs, and just letting my feelings out in any medium I can. I’m glad that art doesn’t have to be done with the most expensive of tools. If I could create art all day and make a living I would. I would love to have a dedicate art space.

“Flower in the storm” created by Penny Loker

Art is a kind of hope, for me. I hope so much when I do the art that most times it’s exhausting. What are some of you favourite artists?

Zentangle drew by Penny Loker

All of the art work pictures are all available for purchase. If interested please send me an email and we can review pricing. I will explore this topic in future posts. When I do what are you interested in knowing about my art?

Adventures ahead

A friend of mine approached me a few months ago asking what I had planned for next year. The answer is SO easy, big fat nothing. Being a caregiver and the person who brings home the bacon doesn’t leave me any energy or the ability to just go on vacation.

He has such a great idea and I’m stoked about it. I can’t wait to go on this adventure and for those local I have good news, you can come to! What we are planning is a motorcycle trip either our west or going east. Think my vote would be east. I will 100% NOT be on a motorcycle but in some type of RV. What my hope/dream is as I write this, is to get as many sponsors as possible and try to raise a bunch of money for charity. But also to take my family with me. We haven’t all been on a proper vacation in more years than I know.

The biggest obstacle right now is trying to find the means to rent a giant wheelchair accessible RV so that my mom is comfy, and has access to a bathroom. My plan is to vlog/blog and do other crazy things along the way to fundraise for both AboutFace and Sick Kids Hospital, if I’m super amazing lucky I’d like to add Grand River Hospital to the list.

This adventure is still in the early stages of planning. There isn’t a specific date set, I haven’t secured any sponsors or even have any clue HOW to do that. If anyone knows how best to get sponsors or may be interested in sponsoring me, hit me up!

I’m putting this out in to the world to bring good vibes and luck my way. Typically when I look forward to something it never happens but I hope this will be different.

Remember September is Craniofacial Acceptance Month, I aim to do a blog post every day this month and thanks to some really great suggestions I’m well on my way. If you have an idea for something you want me to write about, leave it in the comments!

TTYAT (talk to you all tomorrow)! ❤️

Craniofacial Acceptance Month

Acceptance, not awareness, that’s a difference between this and other month long campaigns.

I don’t know when or why September was chosen to represent Facial Difference, but since it’s my birthday month, it works.

Campaigns for cancers and loads of other illness will label their campaigns as “awareness”. They raise money to hopefully forever get rid of whatever it is they are raising money for. There are some exceptions, but not many. One of the giant exceptions is for those like me, with a facial difference. No amount of money is going to fix my face. Organizations like AboutFace, CCAKids, Changing Faces and Faces all raise money to help kids, teens and adults deal with having a facial difference. Because as far as we think we’ve come, it’s not far enough.

Each day kids who for no fault of their own are bullied, shunned, and physically attacked simply because of how they look. Every day teenagers flip through beauty magazines and see perfect faces staring back at them. And every day adults like me attempt to use online dating sites only to be told “no one wants to be with someone who looks like that.” The money raised by these vital organizations goes to programs to advocate and help those with facial differences navigate the world around them. We spend a good chunk of our lives teaching others how not to assholes. This still is insane to me, because we shouldn’t be a teachable moment. We shouldn’t have to answer constantly “what’s wrong with your face?” We shouldn’t worry about how much going out is going to cause us anxiety. And parents of newborns with facial differences shouldn’t have to worry the pic they post will be reported as “violating community standards”, or have to see comment saying that their child should never have been born, ALL because of how they look. This is INSANE to me, I can’t wrap my mind around it.

I know what it’s like NOT have a facial difference. I know because it’s all I see. In my everyday life, media, books, everywhere I’m bombarded with what it’s like to navigate the world without the added complexity of looking different.

When I get asked if given the choice not to have a facial difference the answer depends on the day. What doesn’t change is that I wouldn’t change WHO I’ve become because of my facial difference. But most days I’d love to know what it’s like to go out without a facial difference.