All of my life one thing has been constant. My love of making things. When I was a kid that was art. I got really good at being able to draw what I saw. To the point that I would do any art for my sister for her homework. Loved colouring and being abstract with how we took on colouring pages. My sister and I had a giant metal tub thing that had a lid. We would each close our eyes grab a pencil crayon (coloured pencil) and colour a tiny part of our respectful pages. Then we would exchange our and colour a new small section. We would do this for hours. Neither of us had many friends (me less so) so we figured out how to have our own fun. I wish I had some of those colouring books with me.

As I got older I started drawing, and writing. In high school I took classes that let me explore my creative side. Art class remains my fav memories. Getting to do so many different types of art, Lino printing, silk screen, figure drawing, etc. If there was another class that I could explore art further I went all in. For an English class book report I spent hours drawing a map for the area in a book we read, teacher was so impressed he asked if he could keep it. I let him, it lives in my brain.

What I lacked in my youth was confidence, even though I got the most praise and positive feedback when I created something I still never felt I was good. Didn’t think it was so thing I could continue. Being poor it was also hard to keep up with it. As I got older my self confidence continued to fade.

As a full grown adult learning new things is not as easy, but proud that I’ve learned to knit (huge shout out and thanks to my friend Laura D.). Getting more comfy with complex patterns as I go, even if I am still slow AF. I’ve continued my creative writing, poems and such. I’ve enjoyed doing paintings of all kinds.

Why am I writing what could be described as word vomit? I dunno, I feel like we all have these aspirations, this other life we wish we could have. Where it’s not as easy as everyone says when they say “just go for it” or “do what you love”. For a lot of people going back to school, or just quitting their job to peruse their dreams, really isn’t realistic. Yet all over social media, what our friends say, the expectations we put on ourselves gives us a sense we are failing. When that isn’t the truth, we are surviving, putting one foot in front of the other because that’s all we know how to do. Branching out and doing what you love often has barriers too big to overcome, wanted to share this because I want others to relate to know they are not alone.

There are small steps that can help, for instance, I know the ability to get better means practicing and practicing and practicing some more. I’m guilty of not doing this. I get so exhausted just by existing it’s hard to take time out to do this. I’ve pushed myself this past year to do more creative endeavours, painting more, knitting more and when the inspiration strikes, writing . Heck I even had an amazing idea for an animated short film!

I wish I had the ability to make a living by creating things. I would love to try my hand a pottery, I wish I had a bigger space to do paintings. Which I could afford to buy better paints and other materials. I really want to get a sewing machine, and get my basement in order to create a space to create.

Anywho those are just my thoughts and dreams. What are you thinking about today?