Today’s post comes from my friend Becky who texted me a few ideas. One was titled “Storytelling” she followed it up saying should be a “fun, sad or embarrassing story. So looking to bring some light to your day wanted to share my funny poop stories.
I’ve been thinking on and off about writing a book and had this idea that these stories would be placed smack dab in the middle of the book. For the same reason, to add some levity. The book I envisioned is heavier in nature dealing with my life and insecurities so having a funny middle book would be a nice resting spot. So without further ado let me embarrass myself.
Story #1: don’t take candy from strangers
You learn from an early age to NOT accept anything edible from strangers. I have no doubt my mom said this. But being a kid that was always around adults who were strangers who did offer me things for which my mom never took away I got some mixed messages.
The scene: sister and I sitting on a giant tire swing on the playground of our school. I was probably in grade one. I was a tiny, tiny kid. I was usually older than the kids in same grade but half the size. I remember sitting on the swing feet never touching the ground. My sister would have to help me get on the swing. We were just sitting on the swing and these older kids come up to us. They were not adults most likely teenagers that didn’t go to our school. Our school faced the street and it’s easy for strangers to interact with the kids. Sadly I can’t find a picture of what the playground used to look like. They came up to us asking if we wanted a piece of chocolate. I said yes and promptly ate it. My sister had taken one but smarty decided not to eat it. I remember saying “if you don’t want it I will take it” and I did, and I ate it. If you don’t see where this is going….I don’t know what to say. I ate two whole squares of what I’m sure was exlax. I don’t remember much of the rest of the day. I know I had a number of accidents. One of my most vivid memories was after school. Clearly the school called my mom but my mom didn’t get me early. Instead I walked from the side of the school to the back. Attached to the back of our school was an entrance to the back of the gym and a set of stairs. On those stairs sat my older sister and my mom. I walked over shyly, as soon as they saw me both of them burst out laughing. We lived in a house right beside the back of the school so wasn’t a long walk home which was nice. That laughter still stuck in my head. Needles to say I learned the hard way NOT to take candy from strangers.
Story #2: I blame the meds
I had major surgery in 1996 when I was 16. After getting out of the ICU and having been in my room for a bit. Being independent and knowing how hard nurses work I though I could take care of myself. So when I had to go the bathroom I didn’t call for a nurse. I got my feet over the edge. I stood up and things just lined up and I shat myself. I was so mad at myself I cried as I called the nurse. She was super sweet and helped me clean up.
Story #3: The trouble with Tim Bits
I’m not sure the exact year this happened but was not more than 15 years ago. I lived about a 5 minute walk from the local neighbourhood Tim Horton’s coffee shop. One evening as I often did I decided to walk and grab a coffee for my mom and I. I decided at the last minute to grab a couple of chocolate glazed Timbits. I was feeling ok, just as I got to Tim Horton’s I had felt some rumbling but ignored it. Got my order and went on my way. The Timbits were fresh, indeed still warm. As I transitioned from the parking lot pavement to the concrete of the sidewalk, something off happened. My tummy rumbled and well….they emptied. Walked home in my soiled jeans. Soon as I got in the house I called for my mommy like I never had before.
Well that’s it those are my poopy pants stories. I hope you enjoyed them and laughed alongside me as I wrote them. These are just a few embarrassing stories. If you want to know more or think I should actually write a memoir let me know.