Ugly

According to dictionary.com the definition of the word ugly is

  1. Very unattractive or unpleasant to look at; offensive to the sense of beauty; displeasing in appearance.
  2. Disagreeable; unpleasant; objectionable.

Why am I starting a blog post with this? Well I’m glad you asked (it’s assumed that you did, if you didn’t go back and read the words before, ask the question….good all caught up) I’m about to share why.

I freely use the word ugly when discussing my appearance and I find people’s reactions odd. Just about everyone that knows me has at one point tried to point out to me that I’m in fact not ugly but far from it. They use my personality, my drive to help others, my advocate work, and overall comment on my inner traits that define me as a human being. They tell me I’m beautiful both inside and out. I often don’t respond or I just shrug them off. I don’t take compliments about my appearance easily if at all for the simple fact is I don’t know what to do with them.

My head is an interesting and scary place where my inner most thoughts not dare see the light of day. The one thought that has slipped out and often is how I view my own uniqueness. I think I’m ugly, I hate looking at myself and any comments or compliments that try to skew these thoughts tend to be instantly thrown away.

Don’t get me wrong, I do think I’m a fantastic person, I’ve got a lot to give, I’m witty, funny, sarcastic, and generous. My inner most traits are on full display and I’m thrilled that people seem to agree with me on those points and that they are so visible.

The inner most traits for which I cultivate and work hard to maintain are not the only things I’m judged on. All those who read this already have a volley of “OMG Penny you are not ugly….” comments ready to fling my way. I bet most didn’t even finish reading this post before sending me a text or a Facebook message telling me how great I am. I’m not fishing for compliments cause in case you didn’t read the above words I have no where to stick them. My brain can’t compute anything that you tell me, my brain thinks you are all lying to me simply to placate me even though I have no doubt you are telling your truth.

No one likes to be called ugly, it’s taboo in our society it’s uncalled for. They very word brings about this feeling of hurt, and shame. I’m not sure when we gave that word the power it has now but it’s used a lot to describe not only a persons appearance but their actions, behaviours, and thoughts. I’m also not trying to own the word or make it my shield. But the word does fit and it’s fascinating to me.

I’m freely able to admit that I’m a hypocrite (another not so nice word), I view myself as ugly but I don’t see that in others. We as a society deem that a person who is attractive is most likely going to be successful and those who are not find themselves at a disadvantage. In a Facebook singles group I’m in just about everyone talks about how being attractive is that first impression that is needed before more tends to happen. The thing is I don’t disagree, there are some guys in that group that when I first see them I admit that they don’t do anything for me. Hence me labelling myself a big ol’ hypocrite.

I struggle with that inner voice, I try to find a balance whereby I don’t judge a person simply by how they look and not settling. But also not wanting to be judged for how I look.

often times we hear “appearances can be deceiving” on the flip side “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” so many sayings and quips suggesting a complex relationship with looks. Even with food it’s often told “we eat with our eyes”and just in the last year Zehra (owned by Loblaws) became selling a line of “ugly” veggies, they sell them way cheaper simply because if they are put out alongside the rest of them they don’t get picked simply because they are “ugly”. I’m not ok with the label they gave but I buy them all the time.

I’m a great friend, sister, daughter, I will always love and support those around me. But my love and actions won’t change how I view myself, I am ugly.