Never having been in any kind of relationship or been on many dates I always enjoy talking with my friends who are in relationships to gauge from them what it’s like. As I get older I realize that my standards may be getting higher but also as i get older I know that I will not settle, I’d rater be alone than unhappy.My co-worker and friend Crystal is engaged to be married to an awesome guy named Norman (HI NORMAN!) who just moved here from Nova Scotia to be with her and I think that is sweet. Her and I are working on details for her upcoming wedding and we even went dress shopping. It’s during these times that I struggle with being alone the most. Don’t get me wrong I’m THRILLED for Crystal and any one of my friends as they get married and have kids but I feel Jealous.
I thought that I would write an open letter to any potential suitors, I doubt there will be many but thought it was something different to write. Let’s see if I get any letters in return.
Dear date to be (FYI Joey Farmer),
Hi I’m Penny,
I’m 33 years old and have not been on many dates so i wanted to write this letter do have some things out in the open. Feel free to pen your own letter to me if you wish (I encourage you to).
I don’t expect you to open all the doors for me, I don’t expect flowers, or candy, or any gifts from you. I’m pretty easy to get along with but I do have a few ground rules. If after reading this letter I haven’t scared you off then feel free to contact me.
1) You must be kind not only to me (clearly) but to those you interact with while with me. If you notice idiots staring at me I expect you to ignore them as I should have your full attention and being with you helps me not see those idiots.
2) For the first few date (assuming we have more than one) I do expect you to pay, not for everything but at least dinner.
3) We don’t have to do dinner, I’m happy to go bowling, mini-putting, rock climbing, hiking, walking, go to the mall…see i’m pretty open to most anything.
4) I dislike long awkward silences I generally am pretty good at keep a conversation going however if I find I have been doing most of the starting of conversations I will just stop so if that happens and it we end up with long stretches of nothing…it’s not going well.
5) I can’t drive so I love being picked up and dropped off at home however I am willing to meet up somewhere (because I’m nice like that)
6) If you smoke cigarettes it’s a deal breaker….
See my rules aren’t so bad, right?
A few other things I’d rather say in writing as I always feel silly when I have to tell people. I am hearing impaired which means I’m deaf in my left ear so sometimes if we are out I may ask you to repeat what you said, I’m sorry! Please if you can try to remember to stay on my right side, or don’t get weird if you notice me re positioning myself as I want to be able to hear what you have to say so I may do this often if you don’t remember. Once I get more comfortable around you I will just remind you. I’m also visually impaired so if we are out at a restaurant or fast food joint help me read the menu if I ask, or heck just offer because sometimes I don’t ask for help.
I am lactose intolerant so please don’t suggest we go get ice cream of any kind…Also I’m allergic to pineapple so Hawaiian pizza is out, even though it’s my favourite kind.
I love reading, knitting (no i won’t knit you something so please don’t ask) spending time with my dogs, my mom, my sister, and my friends. I’m a hopeless romantic even though I’m not 100% sure what that means.
4 thoughts on “Dates”
Hi Penny, if you want to get emails it is a good idea to provide one. Hopelessly romantic doesn’t sound as good as hopefully romantic. Learn to like silence.. I realise this might sound strange, but with the right person it is the moment that counts, not whether one is talking or not talking. When one is young romance seems pretty important, but looking back on 61 years I’d say that that friendship is to be valued far more. The Mennonites do say that cooking lasts, kissing doesn’t. Friendships last a lifetime.. rather too many marriages don’t… though mine has.
Find a free online cognitive behaviour site (for example https://moodgym.anu.edu.au) and start taking the lessons. They are easy to follow and personally I have found them useful. You are presenting yourself using a list of negatives.. you need to grasp that how you perceive yourself is a very significant factor in how others will perceive you. I think cognitive behaviour therapy will help, not because you are depressed, but because it focuses so heavily on how things seen or said different ways can be either positive or negative, and that generally positive is much better both for all concerned. It basically teaches you to recognise the negative before you’ve swallowed it, and so learn to constantly side step it. So instead of “I don’t hear if you are on the left”, say “I’m a great listener if you stay on the right side of me” which adds humour to the story line. Lots of people these days have problems with food.. and at 61 I can’t read menu’s either. None of this is a big deal. The big deal is that it is pretty lonely eating alone.. and you are not the only one to know that.
Thanks Ian! I will update the “about” section as I thought I had an email address there!
You bring up a lot of great points, I never read what I wrote that way before but can see how it would sound negative. I am hard on myself and do tend towards the negatives when I talk about myself. I will try harder to be more aware of that.
I think if you go to the site I mentioned, or any other similar site, within a week you will be seeing your words in a different light. These sites sell nothing more than a mental trick, but given its free, its cheap at the price. The mental trick is to notice whether ones thoughts and words are positive or negative projections of reality, and to shift to choosing to seeing things (both good and bad) in a positive light. This is taught by simply showing the reader how different responses to the same situations can have profoundly different outcomes. At first I found the process a tad mechanical, because my own starting sense was “I’m not going to be able to change myself” but once one grasps the game, it quickly becomes fun, and what is fun quickly becomes absorbed. The thing is that you can’t change yourself, but you can change the way you think about yourself.
You credit me with lots of great points, but you’ve made lots of great points too in this blog of yours. And you’ve gone an amazing distance in becoming so open and so positive about things. But look at your words above.. they form a string of negative projections about yourself. “I never read what I wrote that way before”.. “I am hard on myself”.. “I do tend towards negatives” .. “I will try harder”. Each of these expressions conveys the sense that you are somehow failing, that you are falling down on the job, or whatever. Compare to “It great that you pointed that out, and I will check out the site you mentioned. It sounds interesting.. might even be fun”. Penny, you are not failing .. you are doing great.. I can see that and you should be seeing it too.
They say that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks but I learned something just recently. I was looking at a 40 year old photograph of a room full of people I knew at university, and I suddenly noticed an amazing correlation.. all those girls back then I’d have told you were pretty, were precisely the same ones visibly smiling in that picture. Is that crazy or what 🙂
The human heart is a hungry heart. These love relationships can give you the most rewarding times, and also the lowest lows, depending on how it all works out. You ultimately have to trust someone to get love, but that very trust makes you vulnerable to a lot of pain as well, so a person has to be very careful. But nothing ventured, nothing gained. I hope that I read about your success in this regard in the future. Best wishes for 2015.